NOT to Doula
I’ve thought a lot about this and it’s hard to admit this publicly amongst so many people who’ve been pushing me to hire a doula as labor support, but as the title of this post suggests, I’ve decided not to hire a doula.
I’ve been back and forth with the doula thing and weighing the pluses and minuses for me. I made a list of the positives and negatives of hiring a doula, and while the list of positives was longer when it came to services a doula can provide… I’ve read the benefits over and over (and doulas themselves will always tell you the MANY benefits). But when I compared it to what mattered MOST to me: Feeling like my husband and I are experiencing it and making decisions together, experiencing this special milestone alone (Ok, so when you’re pushing you’re not alone but there are hours of down time between nurse visits and whatnot) and feeling a since of accomplishment that WE did it… It outweighed many of the reasons I wanted to hire a doula.
Sure, you can have a doula take a back seat, and many husbands love having that extra support, being able to take breaks etc. But my mom will be near (probably in the hall because that’s how seriously I want it to be about me and my husband) and she can help with that, and I’m not THAT needy of a person to where he can’t leave me for a few minutes. Heck… I may even want to “suffer” alone.
Then came the issue of cost. I found great doulas who offered their experience and all sorts of techniques for around $500 and up… I found one who’s attended a few births and would charge me about $250-$300. I wasn’t set on paying all of that money for something I was paying for reluctantly… Heck, I don’t know if I’d end up wanting to send her away in the middle of it, and in that case I’m still paying her!
One woman wrote me back who is still working on her certification and she offered to do the doula services for free. I thought I’d be jumping for joy at the chance to have a doula for free, but I wasn’t. That’s when I realized it wasn’t all about the money. I told my husband and he pointed out if I wanted my mom there to help ok, but if not it may be weird inviting another woman in instead of her… Especially someone who may not be much more skilled than my mom may be.
I also don’t think a doula in training would exactly “know” more than we could know, and a free doula could just as easily be my mom (if I decide to let her in) or my husband (although, no, he hasn’t birthed before-Some of the doulas I talked to hadn’t either- I trust him more than anyone).
Finally, I debated why I really wanted one… Ok, there’s someone there who can help me remember my goals and plans… My husband and I are pretty strong willed people and we’re not going to jump at anything without discussing the pros and cons, and chances are if we have done our research and know what we’re talking about.. And if we all have TIME to discuss the pros and cons it’s not an emergency issue and we won’t need to feel rushed into anything. I feel bad for people who tell me “if I had had a doula I wouldn’t have had a cesarean.” To me that means you know your cesarean was unnecessary. I think more important than hiring a doula is being informed and educated about birth and not being afraid to ask the doctor or midwife questions or stand up for yourself. If I do end up having a cesarean it won’t be because I didn’t have a doula, but because I said it was ok to do one, and because my husband and I feel like it’s best. And I’ll be ok with that, and I won’t regret it, and I won’t feel bad about my birth experience. Because to me what matters most is my husband and I talking those things out and making decisions together. Above all else in my birth plan is: “Take our time” and talk it out.
I’ve thought about it A LOT. I’ve interviewed doulas, I’ve read all the facts but I don’t think a doula is for everyone and as of now… I don’t think it’s for me.
Who knows, maybe with baby number two we’ll try one, but this time, I want it to try it with me and my husband.
My husband, my doula
I’m glad you were able to come to a decision. I know you put a lot of time and thought into it. You are blessed to have a DH who is willing to go “all in” with this childbirth thing. Not all of us are that lucky (me included). Like you said, you may change your mind for #2 but for this birth you have made the best choice for you and your family and that’s all that matters. You will be fine. Are you planning to go to CBE classes? If so, great! I hope you find one suited to your personality and birthing style. I look forward to following you through to the end of your pregnancy and birth. You are going to be a great mama…doula or not.
PS It was great getting to meet you. Namaste’
Good for you, Jennifer! It sounds like you made the right decision for you and your family. We were actually offered doula services for free (we were taking part in an online pregnancy documentary) and decided not to accept the offer, due to reasons much like yours. My husband is incredibly supportive, sensitive, and brave; I am not afraid of standing up for myself; and I also had friends who would have made great support systems if I hadn’t had the husband I had.
I have nothing against doulas- in fact I think they provide an excellent service that many people find enhances their birth experience. But for me, I think I would have found the extra opinion in the room more intrusive than helpful. Just a personal thing, but I am really glad it ended up being my husband and I, by ourselves, going through this amazing bonding experience together.
Good luck with the birth – you will do great, mama!
Jen,
I’m glad you were able to come to a decision- there are so many choices to make. Because of how you both feel about wanting it to be a special time with the two of you, you might want to consider Bradley classes as an alternative. Bradley emphasizes your husband as your main support (which sounds like what you want) but also gives you a much higher level of knowledge than any hospital-sponsored class will.
This way you will have the tools you need to advocate for yourself.
Just a thought.
Good for you! I knew you’d do the research, weigh the options and come to a decision that’s right for you and your husband. It can be a little intimidating when people bombard you with their opinions, especially when those opinions have to do with birthing, feeding, diapering and raising babies. I had no idea that some women could be so opinionated and forceful, jabbing their personal ideals down your throat and lobbing you in the head when you don’t agree with them.
What it comes down to is, each birth experience is a personal one. Childbirth is not a cookie cutter experience. Continue to enjoy the ride and this once-in-a-lifetime experience. You only get one “first” birth experience!
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
PS I’m so excited for you!
I’m glad that you’ve done so much research regarding this subject! That’s something a lot of women don’t do and that breaks my heart. I am pregnant with my 2nd child, due in September. My first child was born in 2007 and we had an amazing natural birth in a free standing birth center, attended by midwives. I considered having a doula, but because we were in a birth center and not a hospital, I opted against it. After my labor and knowing how I reacted during labor (it was so intense that I couldn’t focus enough to answer questions or make decisions for myself) I know that if I ever *had* to have a baby in a hospital, I would definitely hire a doula. I was a labor and delivery nurse prior to becoming a mom, and I know how pushy doctors and nurses can be. Sure, my husband could deal with them, but I know that I personally need him with me, coaching me and helping me through everything. For me, a doula would be more for running interferance between us and the hospital staff. Most people believe that doctors and nurses have patients best interests at heart. That’s not always true. If you haven’t seen The Business of Being Born, I highly recommend you do so. Birth in this country is about the almighty dollar as well as convenience for many people (medical staff included).
I respect your decision. I do still stick to my guns in thinking that a doula is so key if you are planning on an unmedicated childbirth, but if not, I don’t think you need one. You guys will have a great birth experience — get excited!
Thanks everyone for all of your tips!! You’re all right, there are SO many decisions to make! This was just one of many! Next… Which childbirth classes to take! haha. I was thinking Lamaze but I also LOVE the idea of husband-based classes AND Hypnobabies! I just am not sure if I can get my husband to sit through 3 series of classes hehe… Or if we even have enough time! I’m worried we’ll do all the preparing for labor then afterward be like “crap! we didn’t set up the crib”
Great decision! Not because of the option you chose, but because it seems like the right decision for you. It will be a wonderful experience for you and your husband. I know our birth was a awesome experience for my husband and I – even if I did end up with a c-sec.
It sounds like you put a lot of thought into this, so I’m glad you made the decision that is best for you. Ultimately, it’s up to you.
My partner has just spent the last 9 months shadowing doulas for a film that she has only just completed and as a man (and a new father) I got the impression from her film that by having a doula present allowed the mother and father to “do” the birth together. All the dads in the film were completely hands on (usually in the birthing pool catching the babies!) and they were able to do this because the doulas were looking after all those stressful things that dads usually worry about. I wish we’d known about doulas at our birth which turned out to be unnecessarily complicated and I felt very marginalized during the whole process. I suspect it would have been completely different if we’d had a doula by our side.