NOT to Doula

I’ve thought a lot about this and it’s hard to admit this publicly amongst so many people who’ve been pushing me to hire a doula as labor support, but as the title of this post suggests, I’ve decided not to hire a doula.

I’ve been back and forth with the doula thing and weighing the pluses and minuses for me. I made a list of the positives and negatives of hiring a doula, and while the list of positives was longer when it came to services a doula can provide… I’ve read the benefits over and over (and doulas themselves will always tell you the MANY benefits). But when I compared it to what mattered MOST to me: Feeling like my husband and I are experiencing it and making decisions together, experiencing this special milestone alone (Ok, so when you’re pushing you’re not alone but there are hours of down time between nurse visits and whatnot) and feeling a since of accomplishment that WE did it… It outweighed many of the reasons I wanted to hire a doula.

Sure, you can have a doula take a back seat, and many husbands love having that extra support, being able to take breaks etc. But my mom will be near (probably in the hall because that’s how seriously I want it to be about me and my husband) and she can help with that, and I’m not THAT needy of a person to where he can’t leave me for a few minutes. Heck… I may even want to “suffer” alone.

Then came the issue of cost. I found great doulas who offered their experience and all sorts of techniques for around $500 and up… I found one who’s attended a few births and would charge me about $250-$300. I wasn’t set on paying all of that money for something I was paying for reluctantly… Heck, I don’t know if I’d end up wanting to send her away in the middle of it, and in that case I’m still paying her!

One woman wrote me back who is still working on her certification and she offered to do the doula services for free. I thought I’d be jumping for joy at the chance to have a doula for free, but I wasn’t. That’s when I realized it wasn’t all about the money. I told my husband and he pointed out if I wanted my mom there to help ok, but if not it may be weird inviting another woman in instead of her… Especially someone who may not be much more skilled than my mom may be.

I also don’t think a doula in training would exactly “know” more than we could know, and a free doula could just as easily be my mom (if I decide to let her in) or my husband (although, no, he hasn’t birthed before-Some of the doulas I talked to hadn’t either- I trust him more than anyone).

Finally, I debated why I really wanted one… Ok, there’s someone there who can help me remember my goals and plans… My husband and I are pretty strong willed people and we’re not going to jump at anything without discussing the pros and cons, and chances are if we have done our research and know what we’re talking about.. And if we all have TIME to discuss the pros and cons it’s not an emergency issue and we won’t need to feel rushed into anything. I feel bad for people who tell me “if I had had a doula I wouldn’t have had a cesarean.” To me that means you know your cesarean was unnecessary. I think more important than hiring a doula is being informed and educated about birth and not being afraid to ask the doctor or midwife questions or stand up for yourself. If I do end up having a cesarean it won’t be because I didn’t have a doula, but because I said it was ok to do one, and because my husband and I feel like it’s best. And I’ll be ok with that, and I won’t regret it, and I won’t feel bad about my birth experience. Because to me what matters most is my husband and I talking those things out and making decisions together. Above all else in my birth plan is: “Take our time” and talk it out.

I’ve thought about it A LOT. I’ve interviewed doulas, I’ve read all the facts but I don’t think a doula is for everyone and as of now… I don’t think it’s for me.

Who knows, maybe with baby number two we’ll try one, but this time, I want it to try it with me and my husband.

My husband, my doula